I know that I have brought this subject up more times than necessary in recent years.  And unfortunately, this particular subject still remains either questioned, or worse, ignored.  Even by parents of womb twin survivors have difficulty comprehending such an issue.  Me being a twin/twinless twin/womb twin survivor.  But ironically, those who are of a multiple birth-such as myself-are perhaps the only ones who can understand it.  But growing up twinless remains both a blessing, and a curse for me, even as I approach 40.  For as long as I can remember, I always wondered why I went through the things I’d gone through.  Constant abuse by friends, coworkers, and even family, yeah I went there.  It seems to me that in forty years of life I went through more maledictions than blessings in life.  And I was wondering why I kept crying all the time, became obsessive with both life and death, why I always held back from expressing my true emotions to people wishing that I had the “testicular fortitude” to just let ’em have it without any fear of the consequences, constant loneliness, had no one to talk to, fend for me and vice versa, it was just mind boggling to me all these years.

I could go on and on about what my life has consisted of.  I was a loner then, and I remain one now.  I have mentioned that my mother was pregnant with two boys, and sadly one of us made it.  Other than my twin, I have no other siblings, which leaves me the only child despite the fact that my birth certificate says “twin”.  I’d take that one step further; only surviving child at that!  I still say that I’m a twin (which I am), and I still say that I came from all boys (which I did).  To this day, I’ll talk to anyone who’d listen to me on this subject.  And I gotta admit, even at my age, as entertaining as it may be on occasion, it gets real redundant and even depressing sometimes.  But for years I was wondering why my grades were down most of the time in school, why it was hard for me to concentrate, why I had so many problems in life such as stuttering, and not knowing how to react when I’m being slighted.  Even my own relatives made me into their punching bag when things didn’t go their way, and yet people wonder why I’m to myself, at the same same time emotionless towards some folks in the world, be it friends, coworkers, family, even girlfriends.  For a long time I have borne resentment because I begged my mother to have more children, but being the Christian that she was and is, she was following Biblical standards to remain celibate until she remarried seeing that she had divorced my dad at the time.  And no longer having both parents under the same roof had made things even more complicated, if not confusing.  It was around that time (maybe some months later), that mom had revealed to me that there was another child in the family, but sadly, even before both of us was born, he was dead before then which-little did I know at the time-would have a very profound effect on my existence for decades to come.  Again, I could ramble on about the negatives on the subject, but I have noticed these things about growing up twinless; most things I’d do, I’d do in doubles, even to this very day.  I live the lives of two, eat for two, think for two, drink for two, even talk for two!  Most things that I do, say, and even think of are double because I make up for, or feel the need to, anyway, this longtime deficit that has been a part of me these past four decades.  I mentioned earlier that being twinless was both a blessing and a curse.  I’ve pretty much harped on the curse(s), and I got some stories to tell, too!  But now time to reveal the blessings of being such…

Even though my brother didn’t have a chance to see this world, I did!  And that’s something to brag about.  And it could’ve been worse, mom told me had he lived, he would’ve ended up being severely retarded, and that might’ve made things worse because we’d have to give him constant attention which would’ve drained all of our energy and resources.  Had he lived, we might’ve been conjoined (siamese), one of us would’ve been the good twin, the other, the evil one.  At least I didn’t have any extra limbs attached to me.  I thought about Andy Garcia just now as I wrote this.  Even though my twin didn’t survive, I still feel his spirit in me sometimes.  That’s the “connection” amongst multiples down to this day.  And according to the Bible’s promise of a resurrection, I hope to be reunited with him again.  So I have that hope as well as opportunity.  And another ironic thing about all this is that when I interact with those who are twins, I feel an instant “chemistry” with them most times.  Be they young or old, I can identify with my fellow twins.  What’s surreal about all this is that I tell folks that I’m a twin, yet the only evidence of it is on my birth certificate!  And BTW, I’m the oldest of the two, the Alpha Male of the bunch!  So in the new world, it’s gonna be some big brother/little brother action the way it was supposed to be to begin with!  So despite this longtime void that I’ve inherited, the only good thing so far is that-depending on me between now and Armageddon-is that this is all temporary.  The video below, for me, uncovered a lot of unlocked secrets about being a twin survivor.  And for a long time, I thought I was dealing with a case of either OCD, ADD/ADHD, I may have ’em, who knows?!?  Right now, I’m trying to live better at 39 than I have for the past three decades.